The Squirrel Incident
copyright 2005 Petey

In December 2004, I was walking around the Boston Common and Public Garden making notes for a scavenger hunt type game that I was writing. As I walked around, I noted the bold, fat squirrels that crawled in and out of trashcans, approached pedestrians, and otherwises scampered about. I was astounded that more homeless people weren't hunting these buggers, they were big.

As I walked around taking notes, I absentmidedly clicked my pen and I guess this sent some sort of signal to the squirrels. I don't know if they thought that I was offering them food (my hand was at my side), or if the pen click duplicated some mating call, but it drew the attention of three squirrels.

They all took notice and hopped cautiously toward me. One was particularly brazen and came closer than the other two. I stood still to see just how close he would come. He skittered up until he was about a foot and a half away from me, then got up on his haunches and made some sort of cutesy begging gesture. I could see where that would have gotten him food in the past, but I didn't have any to give him. Plus, squirrels are vermin, I'm not going to feed them!

I don't know why, but this obnoxious squirrel then jumped onto my leg, just below the knee. It caught me completely off guard. I did the only thing I could in that situation.

I shrieked like a girl and kicked my leg out.

The squirrel flew off my leg and landed about ten feet away, and immediately came toward me again. The other two didn't back down either. I was completely floored that these squirrels weren't more afraid of me, a larger, stronger beast. Remembering my sister's two antisocial cats, I mimicked their body language in hopes of scaring the squirrels away.

I shaped my hand into an extended claw and hissed at the little buggers. That accomplished nothing.

Screw it. I ran after the stupid little pests, and at the sight of a large mass looming down on them, they skittered away in different directions and ran up a tree.

Then I looked around, as there were other pedestrians on the walk. Although no one was immediately near me, I imagined that from a distance, I must have looked like I was insane.

I originally dismissed the incident, but since then I have wondered about using the clicker pen for luring squirrels, and what other experiments I might perform to measure their behavior. Such experiments include pants coated with peanut butter and large paper bags.